Today I have very tender feelings! I am truly so blessed to have so much in my life yet at this time I feel so overwhelmed with all the changes that are happening in our lives. You see Zach's Grandpa passed away today and it feel so surreal. I didn't get to know him super well but he did leave an imprint in my life. I know that he loved serving in the temple and that he loved his kids and family. I know that he was always kind, respectful, serving and hard working whenever I was around him.
I also have heard of at least 3 other deaths of friends of mine on facebook in the last week! Seriously that's crazy! So what is up? Here is what I've been thinking about, something a friend of mine mentioned. With Easter season and Spring being here comes a new season of life, a re-birth if you will. It brings feelings of newness and or growth. It literally means starting over, giving new life. So with this season I have found several people have gone on to live a new life in Heaven. There have also been solar flares from the sun which have had some shifts in energy. I don't really understand what all that means but I feel like with Easter and everything else there has been a re-birth in many lives. I think that Christ has literally taken home some precious spirits at this time with this Easter season. With conference and with what was taught today I also truly feel that God is preparing this Earth for the 2nd coming of the Savior. It is around the corner I truly feel that. No I have no idea when it will be but I do know that it's getting closer. There have also been many births that I've heard of as well. So once again the circle of life continues. I feel so privileged and blessed to have the knowledge that our Savior did die on the cross, but that he was also resurrected and because of that we each will be resurrected again too!
I wish I could take all the pain and suffering away from my friends and family going through all these hard times but in reality I can't. I can't take away anyone's pain. I know Christ can though. I know that he has his arms stretched out ready for us to jump into them. I also feel like as I watch my kids go through trials I can have the peace and reassurance that there suffering will be worth it. Watching your kids suffer is worse than suffering ourselves I think. I know that my kids will go through many hard times and I just hope and pray that they remember the things they've been taught.
I'm so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ! I know he lives! I know he loves us!
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Zach...kinda sappy
Lately life has had it's up's and down's and I've been going crazy trying to get all the Christmas things done. So far I've made a kindness elf for our girls since they really really wanted one for Christmas, Christmas pj's are almost done, made 2 stockings to match our others, made some crowns, I've cut out all the pieces to a dress I'm making for one of my girls and I've made a few goodies to take to people. It's been a lot of work. I feel like I may not have time to get everything done. I still have so much to do! But I will try none the less. Trying to keep my house clean while trying to get everything else done is hard! Then Elsie asks if we can go see the Lions at the zoo and I can't help but stop for a day to go take her to the zoo. She has been very patient with all my projects.
But with all the hustle and bustle sometimes it's hard to stop and smell the roses. To really look around and see the good that is all around. You guys can I just say that the man I married is trying an amazing man! First off he puts up with my crazy and supports me when I choose to learn and do all the things I do. Then he helps with so much around the house. Right now he is laying with our 3 oldest to help them go to sleep. I usually help the baby and he helps the older one and can I just say how grateful I am. It truly is such a blessing. Then last weekend I had a ton of clothes to fold that were all over the couches and he started helping. My girls were complaining about having to help and so Zach decided to make it funny and put some panties on his head. The girls thought it was hilarious.
A couple days ago Kali needed to go do an MRI and she chose her Dad to go with her. She didn't want me she only wanted her Dad. I'm grateful that she trust him and that she loves him as much as she does. As you can see from this pictures all my girls love and adore their Dad. I'm truly blessed to have this man in my life! I guess you could say my girls are pretty lucky too. Everyone always feel sorry for me when I tell them we have 4 girls but honestly I can't imagine anything different. My Husband is so good with these precious girls and I'm so thankful for all He teaches me and them every day!
But with all the hustle and bustle sometimes it's hard to stop and smell the roses. To really look around and see the good that is all around. You guys can I just say that the man I married is trying an amazing man! First off he puts up with my crazy and supports me when I choose to learn and do all the things I do. Then he helps with so much around the house. Right now he is laying with our 3 oldest to help them go to sleep. I usually help the baby and he helps the older one and can I just say how grateful I am. It truly is such a blessing. Then last weekend I had a ton of clothes to fold that were all over the couches and he started helping. My girls were complaining about having to help and so Zach decided to make it funny and put some panties on his head. The girls thought it was hilarious.
A couple days ago Kali needed to go do an MRI and she chose her Dad to go with her. She didn't want me she only wanted her Dad. I'm grateful that she trust him and that she loves him as much as she does. As you can see from this pictures all my girls love and adore their Dad. I'm truly blessed to have this man in my life! I guess you could say my girls are pretty lucky too. Everyone always feel sorry for me when I tell them we have 4 girls but honestly I can't imagine anything different. My Husband is so good with these precious girls and I'm so thankful for all He teaches me and them every day!
Saturday, December 2, 2017
A beautiful life
After writing the post about Kali and all that we've gone through I realized that I sounded very negative and while it's all very frustrating I was sitting here tonight editing some pictures I took of my family and I just felt very very grateful for all the many blessings that I have! I mean I have an amazing Husband who would truly do anything to help me and our girls be happy. He also works so hard and is an amazing provider for our family. I also have 4 beautiful and intelligent daughters! Yes I could wish things were better or that other things in my life were different but really being imperfect is what makes us human. Life would be boring if we were all perfect. I'd say I've got it pretty good. So on that note here are some fun pictures I took of my sweet family tonight. I love all these people with all my heart and I'm so grateful God gave me such an amazing family!
This kid just turned 8 month! How time has flown by, but we will see if this month will be her walking month, she loves to stand so we will see.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Update on Kali
A while back I wrote a blog post about my daughter Kali and her incontinence. She has never been able to stay dry all day that I know, not one single day her whole life! I mean that's crazy right? I can't tell you all the things she has dealt with because of it but just yesterday she was telling me that kids at school have made fun of her and told her she smells. She said some kids said sorry but some didn't. I'm sure she does smell but it's not something she can control. So hearing that she has to deal with this already is really hard. After going to the Doctor this week I finally feel like we might be on a path to answers.
It's amazing how slow things seem to go in the medical field! I mean I'm grateful for the modern medicine and technology but really it takes so long to get anywhere sometimes! We've been going to a urologist for about 1 1/2 years to try and understand why Kali has accidents and why things haven't really improved. So after all that time the urologist just blamed everything on constipation. My Mom heart just couldn't believe that her inability to make it to the bathroom was simply that she was constipated. The urologist kept saying that that was probably what it was so we just kept doing all the things she told us for over a year! That meant we did miralax once a day, laxatives once a week and other laxative liquid once a month. We also have been to 2 different chiropractors and tested her for things like diabetes, thyroid problems, reoccurring UTI's, to name a few. I mean if that isn't a crazy circle of frustration then I don't know what is! Oh and the last time we went to her right before Evelyn was born, about 9 months ago, she thought we never really cleaned her out well enough so that's why were weren't seeing progress so she suggested doing a suppository once a day for 30 days and then every other day for another 30 days! Kali hated it! She cried every time she had to do it. It hurt my Mommy heart to watch her go through that! It also didn't really make a difference, at least not a huge noticeable difference.
They had told me in August that they would call me and schedule an appointment in 6 weeks to do this urodynamics test but they never called. Finally after calling like 4 times over the last couple months I got this procedure scheduled and she did it yesterday. They put a catheter in and then also stuck something in her rectum and filled up her bladder to see what happened. Basically because of the test we found out that her bladder isn't working they way that it should. It contracts when it shouldn't and doesn't contract when it should. Honestly I don't feel I have a complete understanding of what all the test showed but what I know is that now the Doctor wants to do an MRI on her to rule out any neurological problems. If there is a neurological problem then they would do surgery on her spine to help the nerves somehow. I can't remember exactly what kind of surgery she said it would be. Which is like a big wow! I'm not sure I want my daughter going through that! All that the Doctor could tell me about it was that they feel the benefits out way the risks. She said she mostly wants to do the MRI to rule out a neurological problem. So I don't think she thinks it's because of a neurological problem but if it's a muscular bladder problem then they will try and find a maintenance program that will help her deal with her issues. So I asked the doctor if that meant she would have to be on medicine for the rest of her life and she said that it's very likely if it's a muscular bladder problem. She wants to do the urodynamics test again in a few weeks with her on her medicine to see if the medicine helps her bladder to act like it should. I do think the medicine helps, but it doesn't "fix" the problem. Also Kali hates taking it and it's always a fight.
You guys this is kind of a hard blow for me to accept. Zach seems completely fine with it all but for me I just feel bad that my daughter might have to be on medicine for the rest of her life because her bladder doesn't work right. Can you imagine being a teenager or a young adult and having a bladder problem? I mean if she forgot to take her medicine and then went on a date she could pee everywhere without being able to control it at all! I'm grateful there is medicine out there she can take to help but that doesn't make it easy!
I almost feel like I proved the Doctor wrong yesterday and I wish I didn't feel I needed to say that. I never felt like all her issues could just be tied to constipation, that just didn't sit well with me! It has all been such a struggle for me. I felt like a horrible Mom every time I walked out of that office talking to the doctor, and that's a hard blow. It's like I wasn't ever doing enough to help with the constipation and it was my fault that we couldn't ever get her dry. Zach never felt like she was saying anything that would merit me feeling that way, but I'm a sensitive Mom and I didn't feel like I was being listened to. I feel like she agreed finally do to the test because she thought it would help me not because she thought Kali really needed the test. As of now I don't really care if it was because of me the doctor said yesterday she thinks it's a good thing we did the test.
Well thanks everyone who reads this for letting me vent all of this out and share my experience. I really hope this can help someone else who might be struggling as well.
It's amazing how slow things seem to go in the medical field! I mean I'm grateful for the modern medicine and technology but really it takes so long to get anywhere sometimes! We've been going to a urologist for about 1 1/2 years to try and understand why Kali has accidents and why things haven't really improved. So after all that time the urologist just blamed everything on constipation. My Mom heart just couldn't believe that her inability to make it to the bathroom was simply that she was constipated. The urologist kept saying that that was probably what it was so we just kept doing all the things she told us for over a year! That meant we did miralax once a day, laxatives once a week and other laxative liquid once a month. We also have been to 2 different chiropractors and tested her for things like diabetes, thyroid problems, reoccurring UTI's, to name a few. I mean if that isn't a crazy circle of frustration then I don't know what is! Oh and the last time we went to her right before Evelyn was born, about 9 months ago, she thought we never really cleaned her out well enough so that's why were weren't seeing progress so she suggested doing a suppository once a day for 30 days and then every other day for another 30 days! Kali hated it! She cried every time she had to do it. It hurt my Mommy heart to watch her go through that! It also didn't really make a difference, at least not a huge noticeable difference.
They had told me in August that they would call me and schedule an appointment in 6 weeks to do this urodynamics test but they never called. Finally after calling like 4 times over the last couple months I got this procedure scheduled and she did it yesterday. They put a catheter in and then also stuck something in her rectum and filled up her bladder to see what happened. Basically because of the test we found out that her bladder isn't working they way that it should. It contracts when it shouldn't and doesn't contract when it should. Honestly I don't feel I have a complete understanding of what all the test showed but what I know is that now the Doctor wants to do an MRI on her to rule out any neurological problems. If there is a neurological problem then they would do surgery on her spine to help the nerves somehow. I can't remember exactly what kind of surgery she said it would be. Which is like a big wow! I'm not sure I want my daughter going through that! All that the Doctor could tell me about it was that they feel the benefits out way the risks. She said she mostly wants to do the MRI to rule out a neurological problem. So I don't think she thinks it's because of a neurological problem but if it's a muscular bladder problem then they will try and find a maintenance program that will help her deal with her issues. So I asked the doctor if that meant she would have to be on medicine for the rest of her life and she said that it's very likely if it's a muscular bladder problem. She wants to do the urodynamics test again in a few weeks with her on her medicine to see if the medicine helps her bladder to act like it should. I do think the medicine helps, but it doesn't "fix" the problem. Also Kali hates taking it and it's always a fight.
You guys this is kind of a hard blow for me to accept. Zach seems completely fine with it all but for me I just feel bad that my daughter might have to be on medicine for the rest of her life because her bladder doesn't work right. Can you imagine being a teenager or a young adult and having a bladder problem? I mean if she forgot to take her medicine and then went on a date she could pee everywhere without being able to control it at all! I'm grateful there is medicine out there she can take to help but that doesn't make it easy!
I almost feel like I proved the Doctor wrong yesterday and I wish I didn't feel I needed to say that. I never felt like all her issues could just be tied to constipation, that just didn't sit well with me! It has all been such a struggle for me. I felt like a horrible Mom every time I walked out of that office talking to the doctor, and that's a hard blow. It's like I wasn't ever doing enough to help with the constipation and it was my fault that we couldn't ever get her dry. Zach never felt like she was saying anything that would merit me feeling that way, but I'm a sensitive Mom and I didn't feel like I was being listened to. I feel like she agreed finally do to the test because she thought it would help me not because she thought Kali really needed the test. As of now I don't really care if it was because of me the doctor said yesterday she thinks it's a good thing we did the test.
Well thanks everyone who reads this for letting me vent all of this out and share my experience. I really hope this can help someone else who might be struggling as well.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Evelyn's blessing day
Life is an interesting thing. Growing up in a big family I just kind of thought that is what people did, grow up and have families. But that is not the case for many people these days. Some out of choice and for others it's just not what happened for them. I am blessed to be able to have children and to get the chance to see them learn and grow. I can't imagine my life without any of my kids. I believe that in the next life I won't get to take any of my things with me but I can take my family. I want to be with them forever and I'm excited to watch these 4 girls grow up and hopefully make me a Grandma.
Evelyn had the opportunity to be blessed by her Dad while we were in AZ. She is a special little girl and our older girls love and adore her. It's so fun to see them with her and watch them enjoy her. There is just something special about having a baby in the house. Not that it doesn't come with it's challenges, it does, but overall I feel like it's a blessing. This little girl is such a sweet and tender spirit. She loves to soak in everything that is going on around her and many people have said that her eyes are always just wide open trying to figure out all that is around her. This little Evelyn will do amazing things with her life. She has already taught me so much and I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for letting me be her Mom.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Posting more...Starnes Family
Couple things on my mind. First off I really want to post more often. I really want to try and make my blog an opportunity for people to see more of my pictures. I feel I need to get it out there that I love photography and I really hope that in the near future I can learn enough to start a business and feel confident in doing so. I have so much to learn but yet I feel very confident that I can give clients pictures they can love more a lifetime. So to start off I will be posted some older photos over the next few weeks. Please feel free to tell me how you like these photos. Any positive criticism I can get will only help me grow. I really want to produce photos that are real, flattering and beautiful.
This family is the cut
iest! I love taking pictures for them. She is so cute pregnant! Look how stunning she is!
This family is the cut
iest! I love taking pictures for them. She is so cute pregnant! Look how stunning she is!
Friday, May 26, 2017
life with 4 kids
First off let me just say that I feel so blessed and privileged to be a Mom to 4 beautiful girls! Really I'm so lucky! But I will also say that so so so so many people have made comments to me that I feel indifferent about. I try to smile and nod and move on but in reality it hits a cord with me that I just don't like. You see I want and have always wanted a big family. I love being a part of a big family and I feel like Heavenly Father wants me to raise children in the gospel of Jesus Christ and I feel privileged to do so. But every single time people find out I have 4 children they always seem so sympathetic like they can't even imagine how hard that would be. Then they find out that I have 4 girls and they ALWAYS say your poor Husband. First off 4 kids is HARD! As of now I pretty much get ZERO time to myself. I'm either nursing a child or helping another one. Right now I have a lucky few minutes where all my kids are sleeping and I'm writing this. I probably should be sleeping but I feel I need to write this message.
So here is the question why, why do Zach and I keep popping them out as one lady said to me this week. Well honestly I love my family and I feel family is the most important thing on this Earth. You see when we die we don't get to take any of our things with us but because Zach and I have been sealed in the temple we get to be with our children and family forever. We get to make memories together and help each other make it through this crazy world. I've lived away from family for 5 years! I wish I could move back and get to experience life with my sisters and there kids but right now I don't get to do that. So Zach and I make as many memories together as we can. I want to be busy going to ball games, concerts, school functions, and helping to raise awesome kids who will one day hopefully make me a Grandma and then I can love on all there kids. You see if I just look at life from the now moment I would say no way am I having any more kids. But who knows what the future holds. It has been hard having 4, there are days that end in tears, like tonight. My Husband is gone and I've been cleaning all day and my house still looks messy and my sister is coming. But you know what all my kids love me. Kali told me tonight Mom I hope I can be better tomorrow, I love you. She put her pinky out and we locked little pinkies and I think it was her sign to say I'll try harder tomorrow Mom. She has been such a hard child so I'm grateful for those special moments. Then Anna comes into my room where I'm trying to nurse the baby to sleep and she give me a note that says I'm the best Mom in the world but she needs help cause Kali and Elsie weren't letting her go to sleep. I stood up walked into their room while nursing the baby to tell them I love them one last time and then to let them know they needed to go to sleep cause if not they would be tired tomorrow. Then my sweet Elsie says Mom I love you so much and gives me kisses and hugs and she keeps trying to come up with things to tell me so I would stay in her room, then I think these moments will go by fast. They will grow up and I will wish they were little again. After I got Evelyn asleep tonight I just wanted to hold her and not let go, she is already getting so big and I know that this baby stage goes by fast.
I can't even count the number of times I've heard wow 4 kids, you got your hands full, your poor Husband, and you must just keep trying for a boy. When people say you've got your hands full now I just simply say better than empty. One day I got out of the car with my 3 youngest and this man next to me says you got a whole load of kids coming out of there hu. I'm like and I got one at school. He says wow you've done your civic duty. Then he asked if my other one was a girl which I said it was and he says oh I see what it was your Husband just wanted a boy so you kept trying. I just smiled and walked away but seriously conversations like this happen to me all the time. Sometimes I just don't know what to say but really why do so many people care about how many kids I have? Why don't you offer to help instead of criticize? Why don't you tell that Mom she is doing an amazing thing even if it's hard. Yes this year alone we could have probably bought a brand new car with how many medical bills we are going to have but it is all worth it. I will keep driving my mini van that someone scratched F*** You on the hood and rock my bun cause being a Mom to these 4 girls is worth all the hard ache, pain and frustration that happens every single day. Yes I could be spending my time doing things that the world sees as much more "fun" but in all reality there is way more joy watching my children learn and grow. To listen to them all laugh together, sing songs together, and yes even annoy each other is so much more rewarding. So maybe if your reading this say a prayer for this Mama, that I can have the patients to be kind and loving to my children and that I can learn to deal with all the things that come my ways dealing with all these kids. I will need every pray I can get.
So here is the question why, why do Zach and I keep popping them out as one lady said to me this week. Well honestly I love my family and I feel family is the most important thing on this Earth. You see when we die we don't get to take any of our things with us but because Zach and I have been sealed in the temple we get to be with our children and family forever. We get to make memories together and help each other make it through this crazy world. I've lived away from family for 5 years! I wish I could move back and get to experience life with my sisters and there kids but right now I don't get to do that. So Zach and I make as many memories together as we can. I want to be busy going to ball games, concerts, school functions, and helping to raise awesome kids who will one day hopefully make me a Grandma and then I can love on all there kids. You see if I just look at life from the now moment I would say no way am I having any more kids. But who knows what the future holds. It has been hard having 4, there are days that end in tears, like tonight. My Husband is gone and I've been cleaning all day and my house still looks messy and my sister is coming. But you know what all my kids love me. Kali told me tonight Mom I hope I can be better tomorrow, I love you. She put her pinky out and we locked little pinkies and I think it was her sign to say I'll try harder tomorrow Mom. She has been such a hard child so I'm grateful for those special moments. Then Anna comes into my room where I'm trying to nurse the baby to sleep and she give me a note that says I'm the best Mom in the world but she needs help cause Kali and Elsie weren't letting her go to sleep. I stood up walked into their room while nursing the baby to tell them I love them one last time and then to let them know they needed to go to sleep cause if not they would be tired tomorrow. Then my sweet Elsie says Mom I love you so much and gives me kisses and hugs and she keeps trying to come up with things to tell me so I would stay in her room, then I think these moments will go by fast. They will grow up and I will wish they were little again. After I got Evelyn asleep tonight I just wanted to hold her and not let go, she is already getting so big and I know that this baby stage goes by fast.
I can't even count the number of times I've heard wow 4 kids, you got your hands full, your poor Husband, and you must just keep trying for a boy. When people say you've got your hands full now I just simply say better than empty. One day I got out of the car with my 3 youngest and this man next to me says you got a whole load of kids coming out of there hu. I'm like and I got one at school. He says wow you've done your civic duty. Then he asked if my other one was a girl which I said it was and he says oh I see what it was your Husband just wanted a boy so you kept trying. I just smiled and walked away but seriously conversations like this happen to me all the time. Sometimes I just don't know what to say but really why do so many people care about how many kids I have? Why don't you offer to help instead of criticize? Why don't you tell that Mom she is doing an amazing thing even if it's hard. Yes this year alone we could have probably bought a brand new car with how many medical bills we are going to have but it is all worth it. I will keep driving my mini van that someone scratched F*** You on the hood and rock my bun cause being a Mom to these 4 girls is worth all the hard ache, pain and frustration that happens every single day. Yes I could be spending my time doing things that the world sees as much more "fun" but in all reality there is way more joy watching my children learn and grow. To listen to them all laugh together, sing songs together, and yes even annoy each other is so much more rewarding. So maybe if your reading this say a prayer for this Mama, that I can have the patients to be kind and loving to my children and that I can learn to deal with all the things that come my ways dealing with all these kids. I will need every pray I can get.
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