First off let me just say that I feel so blessed and privileged to be a Mom to 4 beautiful girls! Really I'm so lucky! But I will also say that so so so so many people have made comments to me that I feel indifferent about. I try to smile and nod and move on but in reality it hits a cord with me that I just don't like. You see I want and have always wanted a big family. I love being a part of a big family and I feel like Heavenly Father wants me to raise children in the gospel of Jesus Christ and I feel privileged to do so. But every single time people find out I have 4 children they always seem so sympathetic like they can't even imagine how hard that would be. Then they find out that I have 4 girls and they ALWAYS say your poor Husband. First off 4 kids is HARD! As of now I pretty much get ZERO time to myself. I'm either nursing a child or helping another one. Right now I have a lucky few minutes where all my kids are sleeping and I'm writing this. I probably should be sleeping but I feel I need to write this message.
So here is the question why, why do Zach and I keep popping them out as one lady said to me this week. Well honestly I love my family and I feel family is the most important thing on this Earth. You see when we die we don't get to take any of our things with us but because Zach and I have been sealed in the temple we get to be with our children and family forever. We get to make memories together and help each other make it through this crazy world. I've lived away from family for 5 years! I wish I could move back and get to experience life with my sisters and there kids but right now I don't get to do that. So Zach and I make as many memories together as we can. I want to be busy going to ball games, concerts, school functions, and helping to raise awesome kids who will one day hopefully make me a Grandma and then I can love on all there kids. You see if I just look at life from the now moment I would say no way am I having any more kids. But who knows what the future holds. It has been hard having 4, there are days that end in tears, like tonight. My Husband is gone and I've been cleaning all day and my house still looks messy and my sister is coming. But you know what all my kids love me. Kali told me tonight Mom I hope I can be better tomorrow, I love you. She put her pinky out and we locked little pinkies and I think it was her sign to say I'll try harder tomorrow Mom. She has been such a hard child so I'm grateful for those special moments. Then Anna comes into my room where I'm trying to nurse the baby to sleep and she give me a note that says I'm the best Mom in the world but she needs help cause Kali and Elsie weren't letting her go to sleep. I stood up walked into their room while nursing the baby to tell them I love them one last time and then to let them know they needed to go to sleep cause if not they would be tired tomorrow. Then my sweet Elsie says Mom I love you so much and gives me kisses and hugs and she keeps trying to come up with things to tell me so I would stay in her room, then I think these moments will go by fast. They will grow up and I will wish they were little again. After I got Evelyn asleep tonight I just wanted to hold her and not let go, she is already getting so big and I know that this baby stage goes by fast.
I can't even count the number of times I've heard wow 4 kids, you got your hands full, your poor Husband, and you must just keep trying for a boy. When people say you've got your hands full now I just simply say better than empty. One day I got out of the car with my 3 youngest and this man next to me says you got a whole load of kids coming out of there hu. I'm like and I got one at school. He says wow you've done your civic duty. Then he asked if my other one was a girl which I said it was and he says oh I see what it was your Husband just wanted a boy so you kept trying. I just smiled and walked away but seriously conversations like this happen to me all the time. Sometimes I just don't know what to say but really why do so many people care about how many kids I have? Why don't you offer to help instead of criticize? Why don't you tell that Mom she is doing an amazing thing even if it's hard. Yes this year alone we could have probably bought a brand new car with how many medical bills we are going to have but it is all worth it. I will keep driving my mini van that someone scratched F*** You on the hood and rock my bun cause being a Mom to these 4 girls is worth all the hard ache, pain and frustration that happens every single day. Yes I could be spending my time doing things that the world sees as much more "fun" but in all reality there is way more joy watching my children learn and grow. To listen to them all laugh together, sing songs together, and yes even annoy each other is so much more rewarding. So maybe if your reading this say a prayer for this Mama, that I can have the patients to be kind and loving to my children and that I can learn to deal with all the things that come my ways dealing with all these kids. I will need every pray I can get.
