Majority of the people I know don't sit around talking about pee and poop. It's not something that needs to be talked about because it's just something that most people take care of by themselves without a whole lot of push. Most kids potty train fairly quickly even if that's a couple months, believe me when I say that is like a moment in time! Yes a very hard time but overall a small amount of time. So why am I talking about pee and poop. Because that is the most difficult challenge my daughter and I face on a day to day basis. Imagine if you will for a minute having a child who you're worried about her going well pretty much anywhere because you are almost positive they will have an accident while there. School is hard because I always worry that some kid is going to talk about her peeing her pants and tell her she smells. My daughter Kali has had the problem well forever. I don't think we have ever gone a day of her life where she hasn't peed her pants. I mean she is 5 so this shouldn't be an issue anymore, right?
So why is this? The Urologist we've been seeing for over a year now says that it's all because she is constipated all the time. Her poop pushes on her platter and she has a hard time controlling her pee. I wish I could give her a magic pill to fix all of this but well it doesn't work like that. I used to take it all upon myself but now it's just life. I was talking to the Doctor this last week and telling her this is just stressful and she said it is stressful. She said it falls right under kids with disabilities and being blind or deaf. So my child who is completely fine intellectually can't figure out how to poop right so she can pee right? It really is so hard! I write this letter not to throw a pitty party about what we go through but maybe to reach out to someone else who maybe deals with bladder problems as well. I know I can't be the only one dealing with this.
I've decided to kind of map out our challenges on a day to day basis so those of you that don't know me or my daughter can get a glimpse of how hard this can be for anyone who has to go through something like this.
1. Medicine we take every day: oxybutin 3 times a day, miralax once a day, magnesium and calcium supplement once a day, a laxative once a week on Fridays usually, and right now she is suppose to take and enema like a rectal suppository every week(if you haven't ever given one of these to your kids you are lucky cause she hates this!).
2. Schedule for the day: She has a wrist watch that goes off every hour and we ask her to at least try and go potty every time it peeps. Sometimes she ignores it but when she goes she has a chart she gets to mark a mark on to get prizes. (When you have to go anywhere that can be stressful, I now know where pretty much any bathroom is at any public place I've ever been)
In the morning before school I have to give her oxybutin. (She takes that in a syringe and it's not usually too bad but sometimes she hides it in her bag and doesn't take it or sometimes she leaves without taking it. On those days it's almost a guarantee that she will pee at school. We come home about lunch time and eat lunch and she take oxybutin again. She also gets miralax and a magnesium supplement about that time too which all goes into a cup with some kind of juice, chocolate milk or something like that). That is ALWAYS a fight! Sometimes it's hours before she takes it and it's very frustrating. She hates it and I don't think I would like it either but she has to take it every day so I guess a fight it is every day. Then she gets to take oxybutin once again at night. On top of that she has a wrist watch that peeps every hour and she is suppose to try and go potty at that time. That is a lot of times to pee during the day but me telling her wasn't working. Me nagging her all day wasn't working. So this seems to help. But sometimes she ignores it. We created a chart for her to mark but it still doesn't work all the time and all of that is hard to remember, specially with 2 other children. So basically it feels like all I do is make sure my kid takes her medicine and goes potty every hour. Then when she pees her pants I have to make her change her clothes which is always so hard, and adds to laundry. I also have to make sure she puts her dirty clothes in the laundry room from her room or the car or wherever the clothes were left smells like pee and her sisters complain. Then at night she wears a pull-up which she is usually pretty good about it but she really wants to wear panties. When she wakes up she has to put it in the trash asap...but she usually doesn't so I have to make sure she gets it in a Walmart sack then we tie it up and put it in the trash. All of these steps are stressful and my little independent 5 year old does not want me telling her about any of them.
Now with all of this there is a pretty much a guarantee that she will have to change her clothes at least once a day. I make her go in her room and take care of it herself but sometimes it's still a huge fight cause she doesn't want to have to do it. She also really doesn't want this problem! Poor thing just wants to pee like a normal person, she really just wants to have fun like the other kids and not have to worry about all of this, but it is a problem and maybe just maybe someday we will not have to worry about this anymore. But as of now we get to deal with it.
I guess the moral of all of this is you never know what people are dealing with everyday. When my daughter first started being potty trained I would get so mad that I couldn't make my daughter go potty. I used to take it all upon myself like it was my problem and you know what it's not but as a Mom you don't want your children to struggle with things like this!
A little tender mercy from God this last week was talking to another Mom who's daughter is actually in her 20's now but has also dealt with bladder problems. She told me that people will judge me with my daughter and say I'm just babying her. They will say that I'm just not pushing her hard enough, but they have no idea what you are going through. That is so very true! For a little while I was giving my daughter cold showers when she wet her pants cause I just didn't know what to do, well it didn't work. It just made things worse, she still wet her pants and it wasn't helping. I wish I wouldn't have done that but can't go back now. I also tried sticker charts, time outs, taking away privileges and I'm here to tell you it is just NOT something she can control. So after I stopped all of that about a year ago I've just been trying really hard to love her. I felt like I lost my sweet Kali for a while. She still doesn't like to be touched too much and I think that it all stems from her bladder problems. The Mom that I talked to this last week said that it can cause depression in years to come for her. In my head I'm thinking, I think that just triggered my postpartum depression even more. It was so stressful and I was already pretty depressed so it really didn't help. I will write another post about that but for now I just want anyone who reads this to know that even though this challenge is so incredible difficult and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, I also know that it has taught me about unconditional love. It has taught me to not judge Mom's who are just trying the very best they can with what they got. It has taught me that there are some really mean people in this world and some pretty amazing people who are just trying the best they can everyday to be the best they can. It has taught me that my daughter who is so incredible smart is going to have to deal with this problem probably for the rest of her life and I just have to love her in spite of this challenge. I may hate this problem but I have to separate it from the love I have for her cause when people are mean and they will be I have to be here for her.
If you are reading this and are dealing with anything like this please reach out to me. It's easier to go through challenges when you know you aren't the only one dealing with an issue. I know that God has given this challenge to my family for a reason, I just hope that as Kali's Mom I will deal with it with grace and love.
