The roller coaster that life is!

Where to begin.  There is oh so much I could say.  Things have been rather crazy for our family.  I think I've mentioned this before but years ago Zach and I both felt like we should move back to AZ but we kind of just put it off cause Zach wasn't getting a job with Boeing and we just felt like if we moved back to AZ that he would stay with Boeing.  When we came out for Christmas we both felt like maybe we needed to have the faith and say we would either get a job offer by May in AZ or we would start looking at owning more property in Oklahoma.

When Zach got a job offer with Hexcel we were both a little like what?  Casa Grande, really?  Honestly I hadn't ever even been to Casa Grande except driving through to Tucson.  But Zach felt good about the company and he felt like it was a good fit so we said yes.  They wanted him to start May 16th.  Which honestly was super hard for me.

You see the girls only had about 2 1/2 weeks left of school and Elsie had a ballet performance the last week of May and then the girls had a couple more softball games left and we didn't feel we could just bail.  So I stuck it out, did all the end of the year stuff by myself, kept the house immaculate all by myself (well the girls helped), I was here all day the day they packed up our house and the day they loaded everything on the truck.  I had to make sure to keep everyone in one corner that I would need for at least a couple months.  I had no idea when we would actually get all our stuff.  One of the girls friends who lives around the corner made us dinner that night and let us swim in their pool which was really super amazing of them.   After the moving company had moved everything a lady down the street from us who is so super sweet asked us if we wanted to come over for dinner a few days later.  My Mom was there with me by then and so we took her up on that.  We did go to the science center that day and then headed to her house.  What a true sweetheart she is!  She truly set such an amazing example to me.  She loves freely and she gives freely as well.

Well the day we flew out from Oklahoma was quite the day!  I mean we packed 15 bags and brought them all with us.  It was everything we needed to live for a while without our stuff.  My Mom came to help me with that and we made it safely to AZ on a plane with all 4 of my kids.  My sweet baby Evelyn even fell asleep on me for a bit before we landed.  We were finally in AZ!

I thought because I was with Zach and because we were finally in AZ everything would get better from there.  Little did I know that I was pregnant and the heat is torture not pregnant but when pregnant it's awful!  It was pretty funny cause we were in a store and I said Zach I think I might need to take a pregnancy test, I don't know if I am but I feel pregnant.  After taking a pregnancy test at 4am I realized I was pregnant.  Zach and I were both shocked!  But non the less it is what it is.  I finally had my 1st doctors visit last week and he said I'm 14 weeks so right now I'm 15 weeks.  It's so hard to even fathom all of this! I haven't really even had time to process any of this because life has been so extremely crazy!

We ended up living with Zach's Parents for about 6 weeks and lets just say this, while we are so very grateful for their hospitality it is so wonderful to be in our own home, in our own beds with our own things.  We closed on our home July 24th, technically we signed papers on the 23rd.   The house was officially our on the 24th.  That's the day the movers came and unpacked everything.  We had 5 guys come and they were busy most of the day and so was I.  I had to mark off every box that came into our house.  It was like 113 degrees outside that day and they kept our door open all day long!  So therefore it was super hot and I didn't get a chance to drink near the amount of water I should have.  I also started getting a headache, but I made it through the day by some miracle.  Zach finally got home right after they left and I'm like I do not feel good.  He's like you don't look so good, go lay down.  We were going to go back to Mesa that night but I felt terrible so we just stayed.  I took a little nap and then we decided to go find something to eat because I needed something in my stomach.  When we got home I literally put a sheet on my bed and was out cold.  That was a hard day.  I had all 4 of my kids with me and they kept spilling water and popsicles everywhere.  I'm pretty sure I had heat exhaustion and it was all just very overwhelming.

We are now officially paying 2 mortgages, but last night we finally got an offer on our home!  What?  Just when I was starting to loose hope.  Our realtor called and asked us if we would be okay painting our home and I'm like why we just painted.  He said he had another realtor walk through the home and he also had other realtor say they didn't like the paint so he suggested changing it based on the market standard.  After a long weekend of fasting and praying we decided to humble ourselves and trust what the realtor said even though that was super hard for me.  Well we tell him that Monday morning and then that day we had 2 showings and the realtor told us to hold off painting till tomorrow.  Well they finally put in an offer really late that night.  It was as if we had to put forth just that little bit more faith and trust in our realtor and in God.

I feel like a little kid who just opened the best Christmas gift.  I know it's not over yet but I truly feel so blessed to have even gotten an offer at this point.  Our home is beautiful, anyone would be lucky to own it, I truly feel that way but it just took a while.  The home we bought in AZ is not nearly as nice looking but it is bigger.  I don't love the way houses look in AZ but I'm sure it will grow on me.  The storage space in this home is also very limited.  All in all I feel very grateful to my Heavenly Father for the little tender mercies he shows us when we are ready for them.  I have been pretty stressed about our home in Oklahoma and I'm so glad things are finally happening.  I have also been so stressed about this new baby, but really I haven't thought a whole lot about it.  I get to find out what I'm having August 30th.  I just hope and pray that I can get through this whole experience without too much damage.  I've dealt with postpartum depression to some extent with all my kids and I'm so nervous about that.  I pray that it all works out and I can stay focused and happy.

My house is slowly coming together and it feels like I'll never be on top of things but we are together again as a family and I know everything will all work out.  I know that family is truly the most important thing.  I know Satan wants to destroy families and I know he joys in our weaknesses and watching us struggle.  But I also know there is a God who loves us freely and wants us to be happy.  He is the most constant thing in all our lives.  While my understanding of God is limited I'm grateful that I do have a testimony and that I do have the understanding that the things we go through in this life will be worth it.

moving to AZ

It's weird how life works.  You see for years now we felt like we should move back to AZ.  We felt like that was what God wanted for our family but we were waiting for the right time and for Zach to find work here.  Well a few months ago he decided to take a job with Hexcel which is in Casa Grande.  I honestly was shocked that we 1st of all wouldn't be staying with Boeing and 2nd that we would be living in Casa Grande, cause there really isn't a town near by.  We as a family feel it is best for Zach to have a short commute and to not have to drive 1 hour each way to and from work.  So that leaves us in Casa Grande.  When we were moving here we wanted to rent to get to know the area and to give ourselves some time to sell our home.  Well every place we were going to rent fell through and we ended up looking for houses to buy.  I honestly did not think that we would find ourselves buying something but we felt very led to buy something.  So now what, we still haven't had an offer on our home in Oklahoma and it's getting very overwhelming.  Carrying 2 mortgages honestly sounds crazy.  But none the less we will have no other choice.  So what other option is there.  Our relator suggested maybe renting out our home but honestly we really don't want to do that!  We have put so much money into that home.  We put all new carpet up and we painted most of the house and renting it out would be very difficult.  Renters sometimes take care of a home but sometimes they don't.  Lets just say this journey of selling our home has been one of the hardest challenges of our marriage.  It was very stressful getting the house ready, then keeping it clean, and now waiting from so far away for something to happen and to pray that those that are helping keep the place cleaned and cared for are doing a good job.  This has truly been the biggest trial of my faith ever.  I have no doubt that it will sell, I know it will, but how long will we have to wait?

For me the hardest part of all of this is feeling like if God wants us in AZ so bad then why isn't he helping us sell our home.  Why has everyone else's home we know sold except ours.  We have fasted, prayed, served, gone to the temple, tried to keep a positive attitude, and tried to have faith, yet still nothing.  What am I missing?  My tears have been mighty plentiful the last fews month and it all feel so daunting.

As I say all of this I want to mention one other thing.  Today I was reminded how blessed I truly am and how grateful I am for all the things I've been given.  I'm blessed with an amazing Husband who is a wonderful Father.  I'm blessed with 4 beautiful daughters and they truly are such a blessing in my life.  I'm blessed with wonderful extended family who love us and support us.  I'm blessed to have a van that runs and that my husbands car as old as it is is still working and gets him to work everyday.  I'm blessed that we didn't have to sell our home in Oklahoma to be approved for a loan in AZ.  I'm blessed to be giving the chance to start a business even though I'm still in the I'm not sure what I'm doing stage.  There are so many other things but let me just say that I know so so so many people have it much worse than me.

This trial isn't over but I hope that I can have the faith necessary to move forward without the fear that I've been carrying and see this as a chance to learn and grow.  I hope I can be patient with my kids and with myself.  I hope I can fight the light admit this storm that has seems so encompassing.

Kali update

It's been a long while since I posted anything about Kali.  I know some of you may be wondering how my sweet Kali is doing with her incontinence issue.  Kali has been through so much with trying to figure out why she has a hard time keeping her pants dry.  First tonsils removed (not the only reason but a reason), urologist, diabetic testing, thyroid testing, MRI, a test to show what her bladder does called urodynamics, chiropractic care, and the last thing we did was take her to a pelvic floor physical therapist.  Honestly every doctor we talk to says I'm so surprised this isn't helping.  The urologist put us on miralax daily and other laxatives regularly cause she thought that would help.  Well it didn't.  Then we did chiropractic care and all 3 of the different chiropractors I've talked to over the last few years are all so surprised it hasn't helped her.  Then because it wasn't helping the chiropractor told us to get bloodwork done for thyroid and diabetic testing.  Well that wasn't it so then she referred us to a pelvic floor physical therapist.  She also suggested we get tested for any food allergies but we haven't done that yet because we are moving and can't fit that in right now.  Honestly I think the pelvic floor physical therapist has been truly a blessing.  Which honestly I would have NEVER gone to see her if the chiropractor wouldn't have suggested it.  The pelvic floor therapist is trying to get her to strengthen those muscles.  I hope one day we can have a dry day.  Someday maybe.  

So is she doing any better.  Well some days I think maybe but most of the time I just think no she's not.  She still pees her pants every single day.  I still constantly worry about her.  A friend invited her over and I have so much anxiety about her going to friends house's that it's so hard.  I just worry that she's going to have a accident and then the friend's Parents are never going to want her to come play again.  Seriously guys it's so exhausting.  I just want my daughter to keep her pants dry.  Most kids struggle for a few weeks, maybe a few months and then they are fine.  My kid has been struggling for YEARS and I don't see any end in sight.  It feel so defeating.  Everywhere we go I have to make her go to the bathroom, which she fights, and often times she pees not to long after she gone to the bathroom.  If it was like a normal kids pee it would probably be different as well but her pee stinks  bad!  It's so bad! 

  It can be really hard to separate how I feel about her peeing her pants and how I feel about her.  You see, I'm really working on this.  I'm trying the best I can to help her recognize that she is special that she is a child of God.  I hope that she knows I love her even if I struggle so much with all she goes through.  I also am trying to not make her problem my own.  As Mom's we often want to make our kids problem ours so we can help them fix it but in all reality they truly have to do it on their own.  Kali is just going to have to learn all by herself how to deal with this issue.  I truly can't fix the problem for her.  

Gratitude during trials

Today is the 1st day in months I sat down and watched a TV just because I didn't HAVE to get anything done.  The last few months have be go go go mode.  We have painted about 1/2 our house, moved about 1/2 our furniture into our shed and garage, and cleaned everything to the core.  You see selling our house has been quite the roller coaster.  About 6 months ago Zach and I said that by May we would have a job in AZ.  We felt like the Lord told us years ago we were suppose to be in AZ but it just didn't happen for years.  Then after Christmas when we were traveling we decided to trust that if the Lord wants us in AZ then he would provide a way.  Zach applied to several companies and interviewed at 2.  We were trying to stay with Boeing but it just wasn't happening for some reason.  He felt like if he got a job there it would be because he was given it.  He wanted to earn in and he really wanted to feel like the company wanted him there.

It didn't take much time before I knew that we were headed to AZ.  I mean I was in denial but I always new it would happen.  I don't remember the exact date he got a job offer but I want to say that by around March I new we were going to move and that my Husband would be working for Hexcel.  It truly feels like such a blessing.  You see my Husband got a relocation package and it is wonderful.  They are paying for us to move and it's such a blessing.  They have given us so much that sometimes it feels surreal. 

If we could sell our house quickly it would make this transition really easy.  So why hasn't it happened yet?  We have worked so hard and we have done so much to this house that I just feel like it should happen. Why isn't it happening?  As I've been praying and studying the last few days I have felt 2 things first God's got this handled and I just need to trust and have faith.  Second he is preparing someone for this house but it's just not yet.  3rd being patient in affliction and working hard is good for the soul.  Now I'm just so very grateful that the Lord has changed my heart.  I no longer feel entitled to have this house sell in my time frame or that the perfect person has to buy it.  I just feel grateful that I can let God handle this one and then just wait and enjoy the ride.  As I sat outside this morning in the beautiful weather I was just grateful for another day in this beautiful place. I was grateful I get to stay home with my sweet girls and watch them laugh, cry, learn, climb, scream, talk all day long, and teach me so much.  You see kids see life through a different kind of lens.  The little make them happy and we don't have to do anything elaborate to please their simple minds.  So today as I sit here I just feel a sense of peace.  I feel grateful for another day that I get to watch my sweet girls enjoy this day God has given us.  I will kiss my baby a few more times, hug my sweet toddle one more time and dance and sing through this life with them.  This ride to truly breathtaking and beautiful among all the crazy and almost constant drama.

Moving to AZ

This post has been a long time coming.  It all seems so unreal and overwhelming.  I've been looking forward to this day for well I guess 6 years, yet now that it's here it just seems as if it can't be happening.

We moved to Seattle 6 years ago and in a the little over a year that we lived there a lot happened.  We visited a lot of really cool places and did so many fun things.  I would say that that year almost seemed like a vacation for a whole year.  It was seriously amazing.  Then after that year was up Zach got an offer to move to Oklahoma and we were both kind of shocked.  At the time we felt as if it was important for us to move closer to family and also move somewhere we could actually buy a house.  Oklahoma has been good to our family.  To say I learned a ton would be an understatement.  I've learned so much more about what it is I truly want in my life.  I've learned that when you are truly and completely lonely you learn to trust in the Lord or you get run over by Satan.  I've had to learn how to trust that the Lord has my back.  That when I'm doing everything I can to follow the Savior the blessings really do come.  But sometimes we have to struggle for a while because that is where and when the growth comes.  Even though I've struggled with so many things here in Oklahoma and honestly the struggle is not quite over I wouldn't trade it for anything because I know that the Savior is shaping me and molding me into the person he wants me to be.  I wish I listened better and learned faster but I guess I'm still human.  I still have a long ways to go.  I wish I trusted more and forgave more readily.  I'm learning that when I can forgive and trust more it truly sets my spirit free.  I honestly don't have the time now nor do I feel like I could express it words all I've learned but what I will say is this.  I just hope and pray that I can share some of the things I've learned with anyone who will let me coach, mentor or teach them.  I also hope and pray that God will continue to show me what he wants me to do with my life from this point on.

I've also learned in a major way that you can learn something from every single person that you meet.  You may not like what someone does or what they say to you but you can learn and grow from the experience if you choose to.  Also you can either learn from the past or you can let it define you.  I try really hard to learn and grow.  Every one has a story, and honestly I've learned that almost every single person who you see around you has something they are struggling with.   A lot of times people try and hide what they are going through as well.

From my experience, the people in Oklahoma are God Fearing, Generous, and Caring.  They love others and take care of their neighbors.  They are family oriented and conservative.  They do all they can to take care of their families and they know how to work hard for the things they want.  They know how to party and how to cheer on their team.  They love community events that bring people together.

There is also so much more to do in Oklahoma then I ever thought before I came here.  They have the Olympic rowing team who practice here, great football teams, a good basketball team and amazing softball teams.  The science center is the best one I've ever been to and I've been to some in Utah, Arizona, Washington and Texas and Oklahoma's if by far the best.  They have done a lot to their zoo and are doing a lot of renovations even now.  Downtown Oklahoma city has some really cool things to do and there are also a lot of cool museums.  There are a lot of lakes around some pretty cool places to go explore or camp.  One of the other cool things about Oklahoma is that it's in the middle of the US and you can get to pretty much any part of the US in a day or two drive.

Long story short I'll just say this, I will miss this place.  We bought our first home here, we've had 2 kids here, we've traveled to a lot of places and we've grown closer as a family.  I truly think moving away from family is exactly what Zach and I needed to draw closer together and to rely more readily on each other.  

Mel's funeral

Funerals are not my favorite but honestly they are truly beautiful.  They are a blessing from Heaven, if you will.  They help those suffering to process and to feel the peace only the Lord can bring.  I feel very blessed that we could come and support the Murphy family during this difficult time.  I know that we will see Mel again and I also know that the Lord has a special plan for him.

I never knew Mel to be anything but a fun, loving, caring man who loved his family.  I know things weren't always easy for him.  He divorced twice and never remarried after that.  I know that was probably hard on him but I truly believe that he did the best in could in the last few years of his life to make things right.  That he served in the Salt Lake Temple for 8 years and through that experience he learned and grew so much.  I know that he loved his time there and that many people loved him.  Even though him and Dixie were not married anymore he always treated her with respect and kindness from what I could tell.  I believe when he died they were truly friends and I feel that is special.  It is kind of a weird relationship but none the less I'm glad for their children's sake they could still be in the same room together.

Through this whole experience I feel to mention one other thing.  I truly believe that the Lord is in charge.  That the things we go through in this life are what we need to go through to shape our character and our spirits into becoming more like our Savior.  Mel had a very different story than anyone of my Grandparents but I feel he was doing the best he could and that he loved the Lord and was trying the best he could at that time to follow the commandments and to live righteously.  I hope I can share with my children over time how great a man he was and that one day we will see him again.  That I'm sure at some points in my kids lives he will be on the other side of the veil cheering them on or looking out for them.  I feel there is much to be done in Heaven but I also feel there are times when God lets those in Heaven watch over us on Earth.  God speed Mel, we love you and we will miss you.

tender feelings

Today I have very tender feelings!  I am truly so blessed to have so much in my life yet at this time I feel so overwhelmed with all the changes that are happening in our lives.  You see Zach's Grandpa passed away today and it feel so surreal.  I didn't get to know him super well but he did leave an imprint in my life.  I know that he loved serving in the temple and that he loved his kids and family.  I know that he was always kind, respectful, serving and hard working whenever I was around him.

I also have heard of at least 3 other deaths of friends of mine on facebook in the last week!  Seriously that's crazy!  So what is up?  Here is what I've been thinking about, something a friend of mine mentioned.  With Easter season and Spring being here comes a new season of life, a re-birth if you will.  It brings feelings of newness and or growth.  It literally means starting over, giving new life.  So with this season I have found several people have gone on to live a new life in Heaven.  There have also been solar flares from the sun which have had some shifts in energy.  I don't really understand what all that means but I feel like with Easter and everything else there has been a re-birth in many lives.  I think that Christ has literally taken home some precious spirits at this time with this Easter season.  With conference and with what was taught today I also truly feel that God is preparing this Earth for the 2nd coming of the Savior.  It is around the corner I truly feel that.  No I have no idea when it will be but I do know that it's getting closer.  There have also been many births that I've heard of as well.  So once again the circle of life continues.  I feel so privileged and blessed to have the knowledge that our Savior did die on the cross, but that he was also resurrected and because of that we each will be resurrected again too!

I wish I could take all the pain and suffering away from my friends and family going through all these hard times but in reality I can't.  I can't take away anyone's pain.  I know Christ can though.  I know that he has his arms stretched out ready for us to jump into them.  I also feel like as I watch my kids go through trials I can have the peace and reassurance that there suffering will be worth it.  Watching your kids suffer is worse than suffering ourselves I think.  I know that my kids will go through many hard times and I just hope and pray that they remember the things they've been taught.

I'm so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ!  I know he lives!  I know he loves us!

Zach...kinda sappy

Lately life has had it's up's and down's and I've been going crazy trying to get all the Christmas things done.  So far I've made a kindness elf for our girls since they really really wanted one for Christmas, Christmas pj's are almost done, made 2 stockings to match our others, made some crowns, I've cut out all the pieces to a dress I'm making for one of my girls and I've made a few goodies to take to people.  It's been a lot of work.  I feel like I may not have time to get everything done.  I still have so much to do!  But I will try none the less.  Trying to keep my house clean while trying to get everything else done is hard!  Then Elsie asks if we can go see the Lions at the zoo and I can't help but stop for a day to go take her to the zoo.  She has been very patient with all my projects.

But with all the hustle and bustle sometimes it's hard to stop and smell the roses.  To really look around and see the good that is all around.  You guys can I just say that the man I married is trying an amazing man!  First off he puts up with my crazy and supports me when I choose to learn and do all the things I do.  Then he helps with so much around the house.   Right now he is laying with our 3 oldest to help them go to sleep.  I usually help the baby and he helps the older one and can I just say how grateful I am.  It truly is such a blessing.  Then last weekend I had a ton of clothes to fold that were all over the couches and he started helping.  My girls were complaining about having to help and so Zach decided to make it funny and put some panties on his head.  The girls thought it was hilarious.


A couple days ago Kali needed to go do an MRI and she chose her Dad to go with her.  She didn't want me she only wanted her Dad.  I'm grateful that she trust him and that she loves him as much as she does.  As you can see from this pictures all my girls love and adore their Dad.  I'm truly blessed to have this man in my life!  I guess you could say my girls are pretty lucky too.  Everyone always feel sorry for me when I tell them we have 4 girls but honestly I can't imagine anything different.  My Husband is so good with these precious girls and I'm so thankful for all He teaches me and them every day!

A beautiful life

After writing the post about Kali and all that we've gone through I realized that I sounded very negative and while it's all very frustrating I was sitting here tonight editing some pictures I took of my family and I just felt very very grateful for all the many blessings that I have!  I mean I have an amazing Husband who would truly do anything to help me and our girls be happy.  He also works so hard and is an amazing provider for our family.  I also have 4 beautiful and intelligent daughters!   Yes I could wish things were better or that other things in my life were different but really being imperfect is what makes us human.  Life would be boring if we were all perfect.  I'd say I've got it pretty good.  So on that note here are some fun pictures I took of my sweet family tonight.  I love all these people with all my heart and I'm so grateful God gave me such an amazing family!

 This kid just turned 8 month!  How time has flown by, but we will see if this month will be her walking month, she loves to stand so we will see.

Update on Kali

A while back I wrote a blog post about my daughter Kali and her incontinence.  She has never been able to stay dry all day that I know, not one single day her whole life!  I mean that's crazy right?  I can't tell you all the things she has dealt with because of it but just yesterday she was telling me that kids at school have made fun of her and told her she smells.  She said some kids said sorry but some didn't.  I'm sure she does smell but it's not something she can control.  So hearing that she has to deal with this already is really hard.  After going to the Doctor this week I finally feel like we might be on a path to answers.

It's amazing how slow things seem to go in the medical field!  I mean I'm grateful for the modern medicine and technology but really it takes so long to get anywhere sometimes!  We've been going to a urologist for about 1 1/2 years to try and understand why Kali has accidents and why things haven't really improved.  So after all that time the urologist just blamed everything on constipation.  My Mom heart just couldn't believe that her inability to make it to the bathroom was simply that she was constipated.  The urologist kept saying that that was probably what it was so we just kept doing all the things she told us for over a year!  That meant we did miralax once a day, laxatives once a week and other laxative liquid once a month.  We also have been to 2 different chiropractors and tested her for things like diabetes, thyroid problems, reoccurring UTI's, to name a few.  I mean if that isn't a crazy circle of frustration then I don't know what is!  Oh and the last time we went to her right before Evelyn was born, about 9 months ago, she thought we never really cleaned her out well enough so that's why were weren't seeing progress so she suggested doing a suppository once a day for 30 days and then every other day for another 30 days!  Kali hated it!  She cried every time she had to do it.  It hurt my Mommy heart to watch her go through that!  It also didn't really make a difference, at least not a huge noticeable difference.

They had told me in August that they would call me and schedule an appointment in 6 weeks to do this urodynamics test but they never called.  Finally after calling like 4 times over the last couple months I got this procedure scheduled and she did it yesterday.  They put a catheter in and then also stuck something in her rectum and filled up her bladder to see what happened.  Basically because of the test we found out that her bladder isn't working they way that it should.  It contracts when it shouldn't and doesn't contract when it should.   Honestly I don't feel I have a complete understanding of what all the test showed but what I know is that now the Doctor wants to do an MRI on her to rule out any neurological problems.  If there is a neurological problem then they would do surgery on her spine to help the nerves somehow.  I can't remember exactly what kind of surgery she said it would be.  Which is like a big wow!  I'm not sure I want my daughter going through that!  All that the Doctor could tell me about it was that they feel the benefits out way the risks.  She said she mostly wants to do the MRI to rule out a neurological problem.  So I don't think she thinks it's because of a neurological problem but if it's a muscular bladder problem then they will try and find a maintenance program that will help her deal with her issues.  So I asked the doctor if that meant she would have to be on medicine for the rest of her life and she said that it's very likely if it's a muscular bladder problem.  She wants to do the urodynamics test again in a few weeks with her on her medicine to see if the medicine helps her bladder to act like it should.  I do think the medicine helps, but it doesn't "fix" the problem.  Also Kali hates taking it and it's always a fight.

You guys this is kind of a hard blow for me to accept.  Zach seems completely fine with it all but for me I just feel bad that my daughter might have to be on medicine for the rest of her life because her bladder doesn't work right.  Can you imagine being a teenager or a young adult and having a bladder problem?  I mean if she forgot to take her medicine and then went on a date she could pee everywhere without being able to control it at all!  I'm grateful there is medicine out there she can take to help but that doesn't make it easy! 

I almost feel like I proved the Doctor wrong yesterday and I wish I didn't feel I needed to say that.  I never felt like all her issues could just be tied to constipation, that just didn't sit well with me!  It has all been such a struggle for me.  I felt like a horrible Mom every time I walked out of that office talking to the doctor, and that's a hard blow.  It's like I wasn't ever doing enough to help with the constipation and it was my fault that we couldn't ever get her dry.  Zach never felt like she was saying anything that would merit me feeling that way, but I'm a sensitive Mom and I didn't feel like I was being listened to.  I feel like she agreed finally do to the test because she thought it would help me not because she thought Kali really needed the test.  As of now I don't really care if it was because of me the doctor said yesterday she thinks it's a good thing we did the test.

Well thanks everyone who reads this for letting me vent all of this out and share my experience.  I really hope this can help someone else who might be struggling as well.

Evelyn's blessing day

Life is an interesting thing.  Growing up in a big family I just kind of thought that is what people did, grow up and have families.  But that is not the case for many people these days.  Some out of choice and for others it's just not what happened for them.  I am blessed to be able to have children and to get the chance to see them learn and grow.  I can't imagine my life without any of my kids.  I believe that in the next life I won't get to take any of my things with me but I can take my family.  I want to be with them forever and I'm excited to watch these 4 girls grow up and hopefully make me a Grandma.  

Evelyn had the opportunity to be blessed by her Dad while we were in AZ.  She is a special little girl and our older girls love and adore her.  It's so fun to see them with her and watch them enjoy her.  There is just something special about having a baby in the house.  Not that it doesn't come with it's challenges, it does, but overall I feel like it's a blessing.  This little girl is such a sweet and tender spirit.  She loves to soak in everything that is going on around her and many people have said that her eyes are always just wide open trying to figure out all that is around her.  This little Evelyn will do amazing things with her life.  She has already taught me so much and I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for letting me be her Mom.

 After we blessed Evelyn we went swimming with Zach's family that came down for the blessing.  It was a lot of fun and we don't get to be around them very often cause they all live in Utah and Oregon.

Posting more...Starnes Family

Couple things on my mind.  First off I really want to post more often.  I really want to try and make my blog an opportunity for people to see more of my pictures.  I feel I need to get it out there that I love photography and I really hope that in the near future I can learn enough to start a business and feel confident in doing so.  I have so much to learn but yet I feel very confident that I can give clients pictures they can love more a lifetime.  So to start off I will be posted some older photos over the next few weeks.  Please feel free to tell me how you like these photos.  Any positive criticism I can get will only help me grow.  I really want to produce photos that are real, flattering and beautiful.

This family is the cut

iest!  I love taking pictures for them.  She is so cute pregnant!  Look how stunning she is!

 

life with 4 kids

First off let me just say that I feel so blessed and privileged to be a Mom to 4 beautiful girls!  Really I'm so lucky!  But I will also say that so so so so many people have made comments to me that I feel indifferent about.  I try to smile and nod and move on but in reality it hits a cord with me that I just don't like.  You see I want and have always wanted a big family.  I love being a part of a big family and I feel like Heavenly Father wants me to raise children in the gospel of Jesus Christ and I feel privileged to do so.  But every single time people find out I have 4 children they always seem so sympathetic like they can't even imagine how hard that would be.  Then they find out that I have 4 girls and they ALWAYS say your poor Husband.  First off 4 kids is HARD!  As of now I pretty much get ZERO time to myself.  I'm either nursing a child or helping another one.  Right now I have a lucky few minutes where all my kids are sleeping and I'm writing this.  I probably should be sleeping but I feel I need to write this message. 

So here is the question why, why do Zach and I keep popping them out as one lady said to me this week.  Well honestly I love my family and I feel family is the most important thing on this Earth.  You see when we die we don't get to take any of our things with us but because Zach and I have been sealed in the temple we get to be with our children and family forever.  We get to make memories together and help each other make it through this crazy world.  I've lived away from family for 5 years!  I wish I could move back and get to experience life with my sisters and there kids but right now I don't get to do that.  So Zach and I make as many memories together as we can.  I want to be busy going to ball games, concerts, school functions, and helping to raise awesome kids who will one day hopefully make me a Grandma and then I can love on all there kids.  You see if I just look at life from the now moment I would say no way am I having any more kids.  But who knows what the future holds.  It has been hard having 4, there are days that end in tears, like tonight.  My Husband is gone and I've been cleaning all day and my house still looks messy and my sister is coming.  But you know what all my kids love me. Kali told me tonight Mom I hope I can be better tomorrow, I love you.  She put her pinky out and we locked little pinkies and I think it was her sign to say I'll try harder tomorrow Mom.  She has been such a hard child so I'm grateful for those special moments.  Then Anna comes into my room where I'm trying to nurse the baby to sleep and she give me a note that says I'm the best Mom in the world but she needs help cause Kali and Elsie weren't letting her go to sleep.  I stood up walked into their room while nursing the baby to tell them I love them one last time and then to let them know they needed to go to sleep cause if not they would be tired tomorrow.  Then my sweet Elsie says Mom I love you so much and gives me kisses and hugs and she keeps trying to come up with things to tell me so I would stay in her room, then I think these moments will go by fast.  They will grow up and I will wish they were little again.  After I got Evelyn asleep tonight I just wanted to hold her and not let go, she is already getting so big and I know that this baby stage goes by fast.

I can't even count the number of times I've heard wow 4 kids, you got your hands full, your poor Husband, and you must just keep trying for a boy.  When people say you've got your hands full now I just simply say better than empty.  One day I got out of the car with my 3 youngest and this man next to me says you got a whole load of kids coming out of there hu.  I'm like and I got one at school.   He says wow you've done your civic duty.  Then he asked if my other one was a girl which I said it was and he says oh I see what it was your Husband just wanted a boy so you kept trying.  I just smiled and walked away but seriously conversations like this happen to me all the time.   Sometimes I just don't know what to say but really why do so many people care about how many kids I have?  Why don't you offer to help instead of criticize?  Why don't you tell that Mom she is doing an amazing thing even if it's hard.  Yes this year alone we could have probably bought a brand new car with how many medical bills we are going to have but it is all worth it.  I will keep driving my mini van that someone scratched F*** You on the hood and rock my bun cause being a Mom to these 4 girls is worth all the hard ache, pain and frustration that happens every single day. Yes I could be spending my time doing things that the world sees as much more "fun" but in all reality there is way more joy watching my children learn and grow.  To listen to them all laugh together, sing songs together, and yes even annoy each other is so much more rewarding.  So maybe if your reading this say a prayer for this Mama, that I can have the patients to be kind and loving to my children and that I can learn to deal with all the things that come my ways dealing with all these kids.  I will need every pray I can get. 

Fabric book 101

Someone asked me how I made this fabric book so I thought that I would explain as best I can.  The main part of the book is flannel.  I used it because I was able to sew it all together at the end.  I'm part of another group that's making a book and they will use stiffened felt, which will be nice and sturdy but it will have to be put together with rings or something.
Some things to consider:
-If you plan to make a book you need to make sure that you know that the only pages that will not be side by side are the middle ones, so if you want the others side by side you have to plan accordingly.
-Pellon is really easy to work with but it can be time consuming.  You don't have to use it but I really like using it.  
- Velcro is easy to work with but if you plan on using the sticky kind know that it will probably come up at some point and you may have to use some type of strong adhesive to get it to stick.  If I did it again I may just use the sew on kind, even if it takes longer. 

 

 This little girls hair is yarn.  I did burn all the ends and then I just sewed the top.  There may be a better way to get the hair to actually stay somewhat in place but I just sewed it along the top.  My girls like to braid it all. 

 This butterfly I got the idea from a game my kids have.  It's all velcro and you could put each piece sewed down with ribbon I just don't feel I need to. 

 The snowman is also velcro.  I did a lot of velcro. 

 For the clock I used some foam for the hands, but in the past I've used plastic as well and liked both.  The plastic turns a little easier.  One trick with the cloth though, use a long enough brad that it won't come through the fabric, if that makes sense.  I think the only I have on here is like 2 inches wide when all the way open.  The last book I made I think the brads only were 1/2 inch and it wouldn't stay in the fabric. 

 These flowers are velcro.  You could make them with buttons but I had a bunch of velcro so I used what I had. 

 This boat is similar to the butterfly.  It is also velcro. 

 These letters I just put on a page so that they can trace them with there fingers or whatever.  I put them on with pellon.  I have a picture at the bottom.  It comes by the yard and you have to get it at like Joanns or something.  It is an iron on adhesive, but I really like it.  I used it on a lot of the pieces of felt because then I could layer them to make them last better. 

 These animals and the other animals I have are from some fabric I had, I just cut out 2 of each animal and then used the pellon to bind it to the book and then to another fabric for the top ones. 

 The ice cream cone has buttons for matching colors and then velcro to make the cone. 

 For the shapes it's velcro but I used the kind where you have to sew it and I will just say that this kind stays ALOT better than the sticky kind. We had to get some strong adhesive to get some of the other ones to stick. 

 Tic-Tac-Toe was also made by using pellon to bind the green lines down and then I just cut out x's and o's.  The animals are just like the others. 

 This lady but was really easy.  I just got a zipper and sewed it on the fabric and then made little ones for the inside.  My girls think the little ones are really cute and they helped make them.  I used tacky glue for all the dots and such.
The last page is just a texture page.  Kids love to feel different textures and it's good for them. 

 This is the pellon stuff.  It comes with instructions.  I would say a trick is to make sure that you don't have extra hanging off the side when you iron it on cause it will get on your iron and it's kind of a pain to get off.  Possible yes, just a pain. 

If anyone has any questions let me know.  I'd be happy to answer them.